What is all of this for?

Mental health is not a rare struggle. Usually, someone who is mentally ill is depressed, anxious, inattentive, or overall a little too much. But they more or less understand the world in a way society has deemed ‘normal.’ And then, there are the people who are ideologically sick.

I have an overwhelming urge to learn everything in existence. Yes, I know it's impossible, but pipe dreams are important. A deep interest in existence itself comes with this. What is it like to exist for others? I’ve always been fascinated by the idea that there's a completely different universe out there, tucked into the mind of someone I haven't gotten to know. That everything foundational and true for me means nothing to the person in front of me.

Ashamedly however… I'm not even sure what is foundational and true for myself. I am a teenager and certainly don't have everything figured out, but ultimately, it's difficult for an eye to see into itself. Unless it has a reflection. Two birds, one stone, right? Learn about others to learn about yourself.

I want to get to know people on a deeper level than just their favorite animal or beverage. I want to understand people. To fully comprehend others beyond the facts and data. I want to see the world through someone else's eyes. To understand why exactly someone did every little thing.

I've basically been weaned on true crime. My mom plays serial killer documentaries in the living room while she folds laundry, and I listen to video essays about cults when I drive. Sure it's lofty, but I want to understand evil. Not the kind of evil that's been allowed to fester in our systems, fueled by greed or apathy. I mean the evil that rests inside each human. While I talk about this evil as if it's something one could point out within themselves, unfortunately it's not that at all. But I'd like to define where those fuzzy edges begin.

I want to understand what drives people to rape, to kill, to be so cruel. If not just for the love of the game, or to find a way to end these actions, then for acceptance. What is empathy if not deep understanding? I'm not necessarily saying pedophiles and murderers deserve empathy, but I do. For me, explanations can make all the difference. My mind often defaults to the worst assumption. In cases like these, the assumption is that people who want nothing but destruction and harm exist. And that makes me feel helpless, like giving up. So even if it doesn't change anything, it's a weight off my soul to know the why.